The One With The F.B.I.

The One With The F.B.I.

Written by: Joss W. (June 29th to July 3rd 1999)

Guest Stars: David Duchovny as Special Agent Fox Mulder, Gillian Anderson as Special Agent Dana Scully, and a cameo appearance by William B. Davis as The Cigarette-Smoking Man, Brian Thompson as The Alien Bounty-Hunter and James Michael Tyler as Gunther.

Note: this episode takes place during the first half of Season 3. Rachel is still a waitress; she still dates Ross and Chandler is still with Janice.



TEASER: INSIDE CENTRAL PERK. EVERYONE IS HERE EXCEPT JOEY. EVERYONE IS SITTING.

CHANDLER
(TO ROSS, PHOEBE AND MONICA WHO APPEAR AS IF THEY WERE IN A TRANCE-LIKE STATE) Oh please, will you just say something, anything?

RACHEL
(ARRIVES WITH MUFFINS) Wow, you guys look like you’ve just seen a ghost!

CHANDLER
I’m telling you Rach, there’s something really, really bizarre going on around here. Look at all the others in the coffee place! (ZOOMING ON THE COMATOSE CLIENTS) I mean, this is freaking me out! I tried everything! Even my latest joke rendered them speechless!

RACHEL
(STILL CALM DESPITE THE WEIRDNESS OF THE SITUATION) Oh, yeah, what was it?

CHANDLER
“What’s the longest word?”

RACHEL
Oh I know it, I know it... It’s... It’s... What is it?

CHANDLER
(BEAT) It’s « elastic », because you can stretch it. Okay, I understand it’s not worth splitting with laughter but... Rachel? (RACHEL DOES NOT REACT. STOPS ON THE SPOT) Oh my God, oh my God! Rachel? Ross? Phoebe? Say something! (HE SHAKES THEM BUT NOTHING WILL DO, THEY ARE MOTIONLESS) Monica, you’re like a second mother to me, to us all... Will-You-Please-Re-Act-for Pity’s sake! (HE SHAKES MONICA LIKE A MADMAN) And where’s Janice when I need her?

LIGHTS GO OUT IN CENTRAL PERK.

CHANDLER
Oh puh-lease, not another blackout! (SUDDEN SHINY RAY OF LIGHT COMING FROM THE FRONT DOOR) Holy mother of God, now what? (HE IS BLINDED)

HE SEES A BODY HANGING IN THE AIR HORIZONTALLY, SLOWLY MOVING TOWARDS THE EXIT. THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND A LITTLE CREATURE STANDS IN ITS WAY. CHANDLER HESITATES. HE TAKES A MUFFIN AND THROWS IT ON THE CREATURE.




LIGHTS ON. EVERYBODY WAKES UP.

ROSS
Ha, ha, ha, Chandler I didn’t know that one... (PUZZLED) What were we talking about?

MONICA
Yeah, it’s weird. I don’t remember a thing...



CHANDLER
(HE IS LYING ON THE FLOOR) Zzzzzz.

RACHEL
God Almighty, Chandler! Guys! Chandler is lying on the floor! Come on! Quick!

PHOEBE
(APPROACHES CHANDLER) Ssh... He’s trying to say something!

CHANDLER
(STILL UNCONSCIOUS, MUTTERS) Gunther... Gunther’s been abducted by aliens...

CREDITS



INSIDE MONICA’S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS LYING ON THE COUCH, HIS HEAD IS RESTING ON PHOEBE’S LEGS. HE HAS GOT HIS EYES CLOSED. ROSS IS SITTING ON THE SOFA, RACHEL IS COMFORTABLY SNUGGLED UP TO HIM.



PHOEBE
Why don’t you guys believe Chandler? Aliens do exist!

MONICA
(SNIGGERS) Oh puh-lease Phoebs! Try to convince someone else! You and I both know that aliens and UFOs are just myths or the pathetic literary result of writers in lack of imagination. Besides, why choose Gunther of all things... I mean of all people? « To perform tests »? Gimme a break! One thing’s for sure: we are alone in the universe and I better get going or I’m gonna be late for my aerobics session.

CHANDLER
Monica, if I was an alien, I’d perform tests on parts of your body where you’d least expect it!

MONICA TURNS ROUND, BOWS TO CHANDLER AND TAKES HER LEAVE. AS SHE DOES, JOEY ENTERS.

MONICA
Hi Joey, bye Joey.

JOEY
Bye! (TO THE OTHERS) Okay, so the precinct just called and they told me that agents from the FBI’s special department for such cases... « The XXX-Files » or something like that were on their way. (HE SMILES AND LOOKS UP) Sometimes I wish I was a G-Man... (HE SITS)

ROSS
The FBI? Wow, I never thought Gunther would be given so much importance! I mean... He’s just a waiter and... (LOOKS AT RACHEL) Oops...

RACHEL
(RACHEL FROWNS AT ROSS) What do you mean « just a waiter »? In case you forgot, I work at that place as well and... hierarchically I’m even below Gunther.

JOEY
Ah, ah...

RACHEL
What’s so funny?

CHANDLER
(STILL RESTING ON PHOEBE, STILL EYES CLOSED) Joey’s laughing because you said « below Gunther ».

PHOEBE
Poor little kid... (EVERYONE STARES AT PHOEBE) Gunther was just so adorable, serving coffee, decaf, hot chocolate, tea, infusi...

CHANDLER
We got it Phoebs, thanks. Could we change the subject, please?

ROSS
So, Joey, what answer did you give your agent about your possible cameo appearance in Baywatch?

JOEY
Well, I still don’t know...

ROSS AND RACHEL ARE SURPRISED.

RACHEL
How’s that? Hasn’t your agent managed to get you an interview with David Hasselhoff himself? It could be a big break for you.



CHANDLER
(STILL EYES CLOSED) Or the end of the show as we know it.

ROSS
Rachel’s right. I mean, isn’t this show supposed to be your favorite TV series? What with all the running, the swimming, the saving...

RACHEL
The huuuuuge breasts...

JOEY
Yeah, I know it could enable me to rebuild my reputation since the whole Drake Ramore’s-miserable-demise-fiasco but my agent told me that Hasselhoff wants this guy who is saved from drowning and later on has sex with Donna d’Errico all night in this beautiful suite at the Carlton then he becomes a lifeguard and Donna’s boyfriend for an entire season...

PHOEBE
Yeah, I understand why Joey hesitates. It’s perfectly understandable. Good for you Joey. You deserve better than that. (SHE IS DEADLY SERIOUS)

EVERYONE: BEAT.

JOEY
Anyway, Hasselhoff leaves me a few more days to think about it and...

SOMEBODY KNOCKS AT THE DOOR. RACHEL GETS UP AND GOES TO THE DOOR.

RACHEL
That’s weird, nobody called on the entry phone... (SHE LOOKS THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE) Jehovah’s witnesses? Thanks but no thanks. (STILL LOOKS THROUGH) Huh? Oh my God! (SHE OPENS THE DOOR)

DUCHOVNY AND ANDERSON SHOW THEIR FBI BADGES. APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE !

FOX MULDER
Hi, I’m Special Agent Fox Mulder and this is my partner Agent Dana Scully; we’re with the FBI.
(HE PUTS BACK HIS BADGE. WE CAN SEE MULDER’S GUN)

JOEY
(SEES THE GUN, PUTS HIS HANDS UP) Okay, okay, there’s no need for violence, we can settle this mano a mano.

SCULLY
It’s alright Sir, calm down. We came here about the disappearance of  Miss Rachel Green’s colleague...(SHE READS A NOTE) one Gunther... First or last name undetermined.

RACHEL
I’ m Rachel Green. Actually, it’s my friend Chandler over there who witnessed the (SHE QUOTES) « abduction ».

PHOEBE
(TO THE AGENTS) Please, don’t be too harsh on him. He’s still in shock and he’s suffering from a terrible, terrible migraine.

MULDER
And you are?

CHANDLER
(GETTING UP) Thank you Phoebs, you can stop mothering me now, I can take care of myself. (TO THE AGENTS) Well, what can I say I haven’t told you already... (HE THINKS) I haven’t told you anything, have I?

PHOEBE
Oh my God! (THE AGENTS LOOK AT HER IMMEDIATELY) I’m afraid I really have to go to the bathroom ! (SHE GOES TO MONICA’S BATHROOM)

SCULLY
(SURPRISED, RECOVERS HER SERIOUSNESS. TO CHANDLER) Sir, as I understand, after this rather « paranormal phenomenon » (SHE LOOKS AT MULDER WITH AN IRONICAL SMILE), a green substance was found at the doorstep of Central Park, the coffee place and...

ROSS
(MAKES HIS THUMB-TO-FOREFINGER GESTURE) Actually, it’s Central « Perk » not « Park »... (MULDER’S EYES FROWN. ROSS NOTICES IT) but I’m sure it’s just a technicality... isn’t it?

SCULLY
And you are?

ROSS
(HE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND TO SCULLY) Dr Ross Geller, I’m a paleontologist at the museum of...

SCULLY
The Dr Geller? (SHE SHAKES HIS HAND) Of course I know where you work! I read the entirety of your thesis about the Superior Cretacean period and the sudden appearance of angiosperms on all the continents! I am myself a medical doctor!

EVERYONE HAS EYES WIDE OPEN. PHOEBE HAS RETURNED FROM THE BATHROOM, SHE HAS JUST HEARD SCULLY’S FINAL WORDS. SHE GIGGLES.

ROSS
Are you kidding me? Listen Dana... I can call you Dana, right?

MULDER AND RACHEL
(TOGETHER, MULDER POINTING AT ROSS AND RACHEL AT SCULLY) Now-hold-on-a-second...

JOEY
Uh-oh...

SCULLY
Sure Ross!

ROSS
Listen, tomorrow I’ll show you around my office and I’ll get you a room in which you and I will be free to analyze that green slime found near the café... Except if you want to do it at the NYPD Med Lab, that is...

SCULLY
No, that’s fine. I’ll see you in the morning. Let’s go Mulder, we still got to find us a hotel and you know how much I hate having sleepless nights. (THEY LEAVE)

CUT TO: THE MUSEUM, THE FOLLOWING MORNING. ROSS AND SCULLY WEAR A WHITE COAT. RACHEL IS HERE WITH A WHITE COAT AS WELL. THEY ARE IN A LABORATORY WITH FLASKS AND ALL THE PARAPHERNALIA.

ROSS
Really, Rach, you shouldn’t have come. I don’t think what’s about to transpire here is going to interest you in the least, now will it Dr Scully? (HE LAUGHS) Unless... you don’t trust me?

RACHEL
(SHE LOOKS AT SCULLY YET SAYS...) Trust no one Mr Geller.

SCULLY
As a matter of fact, I think your boyfriend has got a point. Could you please get back... You’re standing in my way.

RACHEL
(BEHIND SCULLY’S BACK, WHISPERS) Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah « you’re standing in my way ». (SCULLY TURNS ROUND, RACHEL MAKES A FAKE SMILE)

ROSS
Rachel, could you pass me those gloves, sweetie. (SHE IS HOLDING OUT GLASSES FOR ROSS) Thanks.

ROSS
(REALIZES SHE GAVE HIM GLASSES) Rachel... Gloves!

RACHEL
Oops, sorry! (SHE GIVES HIM GLOVES. LOOKS AT SCULLY AND SAYS LOUDLY) Ross, do you know what I got planned for us tonight?

ROSS
(SETTING UP ALL THE INSTRUMENTS, DOES NOT REALLY PAY ATTENTION) No, what’s that?

RACHEL WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HIS EAR WHILE LOOKING AT SCULLY.

ROSS
Ooh-ooh, I lo-ove leather games! (SCULLY LOOKS AT RACHEL. RACHEL IS REALLY EMBARRASSED)

ROSS
(LOOKS IN THE MICROSCOPE) Dana, would you look at this; it looks like outdated purulent nauseous jello...

RACHEL
Uurkk! Gross!

SCULLY
Let me see... No, I’d say it resembles more suppurating rotten green peas purée.

RACHEL
Brrugh. (SHE IS ABOUT TO THROW UP) I’m sorry, I gotta go...

ROSS
Rachel? (REALIZES SHE IS GONE)

SCULLY
As a matter of fact, this substance looks familiar to me. Its contents may very well be of extra-terrestrial origin.

ROSS
(LOOKS AT HER VERY SERIOUSLY THEN...) Ha, ha, ha... Dana... Ha, ha, ha, you’re so funny! (SCULLY REMAINS DEADLY SERIOUS, ROSS STOPS LAUGHING) No way?

CUT TO: CENTRAL PERK. MULDER AND PHOEBE ENTER, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY MONICA AND JOEY.

PHOEBE
Special Agent Mulder with the FBI, this is Monica, Dr Geller’s pernickety-finicky-fussy sister; you know Joey.

JOEY
(WAVES HIS HAND TO MULDER) Inspector Callahan...

MULDER
(SHAKES MONICA’S HAND, MONICA RETURNS THE FAVOR BY LOOKING INTO MULDER’S EYES, SUBJUGATED, THEN SHE STROKES HIS HAND) Nice... to meet you, Monica.

MONICA
The pleasure’s all mine... (EXPECTS MULDER’S FIRST NAME)

MULDER
Fox.

MONICA
(STILL SMILING) Pardon me?

MULDER
Fox.

MONICA
(STILL SMILING) I’m afraid I’m not following you.

PHOEBE
(YELLS AT MONICA) His name is “FOX” MULDER!

MONICA
Oh right! I am so sorry; let me buy you some coffee for having made a fool of myself.

PHOEBE SITS IN THE SOFA. MULDER, MONICA AND JOEY ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. TEN VERY, VERY LONG SECONDS OF SILENCE.

MONICA
So, Agent Mulder, what are you doing here?

MULDER
Actually, I’m waiting for my partner who’s at the museum at the moment, with your brother I think.

MONICA
No, I mean what are you doing here, in New York? Are you chasing a... serial-killer?

PHOEBE AND JOEY SPLIT WITH LAUGHTER.

MULDER
Well, not exactly. Actually, we might... (HIS CELL PHONE RINGS) Excuse me. (ANSWERS THE PHONE) Mulder. (PAUSE) Huh-huh, what did you find? (PAUSE) I told you! (PAUSE) Scully, there’s not a single doubt. It has something to do with the Erlenmeyer Flask and the alien foetus that you’d found at Fort Marlene. (PAUSE. MONICA LOOKS AT MULDER WITH WIDE OPEN EYES. JOEY AND PHOEBE LAUGH) That’s right, it might also explain my intercourse with those human-alien clones of my abducted sister Samantha and...

MONICA
(FREAKED OUT, SHE GETS UP AND YELLS AT MULDER WHILE HE IS STILL ON THE PHONE) WHAT-MENTAL-INSTITUTE- HAVE-YOU-ESCAPED-FROM?!! (MULDER STEPS BACK, HORRIFIED) Good bye, “spooky”!

CUT TO: CENTRAL PERK’S BATHROOM. MONICA IS ON HER WAY TO THE LADIES’ ROOM.

MONICA
What on earth have I done for having crushes for freaks of nature! This is... (SHE SEES A MAN FROM BEHIND TALKING WITH A CELLPHONE WITH ONE HAND AND SMOKING A CIGARETTE WITH THE OTHER HAND. SHE HIDES IN A CORNER, YET FOLLOWS THE CONVERSATION)

THE MYSTERY MAN FROM BEHIND
(ON THE PHONE) I just overheard Mulder and Scully’s conversation. (PAUSE) Well, the waiter’s removal was a critical mistake. (PAUSE) To put it simply: he wasn’t the target. (PAUSE) It is, because the FBI made the connection with the alien clones...

MONICA COUGHS BECAUSE OF THE CIGARETTE. TWO MEN IN A GREY SUIT JUST APPEAR FROM NOWHERE. ONE OF THEM GRABS MONICA AND POINTS A STILETTO AT HER. THE X-FILES VIEWER RECOGNIZES THE ALIEN BOUNTY-HUNTER. HE TAKES HER TO THE MYSTERY MAN AT THE CORNER OF THE MEN’S ROOM. THE OTHER MAN IN GREY FOLLOWS.

MONICA
Hey, let go o’ me, you creep!

THE MYSTERY MAN TURNS ROUND. IT IS THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN !!!

THE ALIEN BOUNTY-HUNTER
She was sneaking a look at you.

MONICA
He was sneaking a cigarette in a non-smoking area! I swear, I didn’t hear anything! Come on, I don’t even believe in aliens... Flying saucers? Pfff... Are you kidding me?

THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
(BEAT) You can’t handle the truth Miss Geller.

MONICA
How on earth do you know my name?

THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
We have detailed files on you and your friends. Take Miss Phoebe Buffay for instance: she’s a multiple abductee and a very interesting subject for that matter. She was supposed to be taken away, not the insipid waiter.

MONICA
What?

THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
Anyway, I’m afraid you just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Good-bye Miss Geller. As an excellent chef, you’ll be sorely missed by the people in the profession.

MONICA
No wait! I could reveal to you the secrets of the gratin Dauphinois! I... I could even help you stop smoking... I... (THE ALIEN BOUNTY-HUNTER HITS MONICA AT THE BASE OF HER NECK WITH HIS LEFT HAND. SHE FALLS ON THE GROUND)

THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN
(TO THE OTHER MAN IN GREY) It’s up to you now.

CUT TO CENTRAL PERK AGAIN. JOEY AND MULDER ARE STILL HERE.

JOEY
You’ll have to excuse my friend Monica. She’s always nervous when she sees good-looking people.

MULDER
Don’t bother. She reminds me of the sister I never saw grow up.

JOEY
Oh puh-lease, this whole abducted sister speech to make the fire burn up with Scully... I’ve seen it coming miles from here!

MULDER
Excuse me?

JOEY
(GOES NEAR MULDER) Listen, I know you’re an FBI agent and I shouldn’t be the one to give you some advice but I’ve noticed how you were handling this conversation over the phone with your girlfriend... You definitely need to go back to Joey’s flirting school, though I don’t remember having ever seen you in any of my classes. Come on agent! If you want to flirt with her, you gotta be more innovative like...

PHOEBE
(SHE HAS SET UP THE MIKE. SHE HAS JUST BROUGHT HER GUITAR) Sorry to disturb you all in your own selfish, egotistical lives but in case you hadn’t noticed, one of our sweetest, kindest, most talkative waiters has just left the earth to join the stars, « second to the right (SHE HAS GOT TEARS IN HER EYES) and straight on till morning »... Now I’d like to sing a farewell song in memory of Gunther. It’s called... « Gunther »:
(THE SONG IS BASED ON THE BEATLES’« YESTERDAY » MELODY)

Guun-theer
All your coffees seem so far away
Now I wish you hadn’t left on such  short notice (THE SONG IS ON THE BLINK)
What are we gonna have for... breakfast instead?
Gunn-theer
You always managed to make us... smile?

JOEY
(GETS UP. APPLAUDS) Well done! (EVERYBODY IN THE COFFEE PLACE APPLAUDS, EVEN MULDER)

PHOEBE
I’m not finished!

Please come home, Rachel’s decafs... suck,
Oh please come home, please come home. (APPLAUSE) Thank you!

MONICA REAPPEARS AND SITS NEXT TO MULDER. THE AUDIENCE UNDERSTANDS SHE’S AN ALIEN.

MULDER
(SURPRISED) Hey! I thought I’d never see you again with the way things turned out earlier on. (ALIEN MONICA WONDERS WHAT MULDER IS TALKING ABOUT) You... yelled at me while I was on the phone?...

ALIEN MONICA
Oh, that! Forgive me, I haven’t been myself lately. What do you say we have dinner together tonight? It’s on me! But you have to tell me e-ve-ry-thing about your current investigation... You know how women can be so curious at times... About many other things as well, as matter of fact. (SHE STROKES MULDER’S THIGH)

MULDER
(LOOKS VERY SUSPICIOUS THEN...) Deal!

CUT TO: JOEY AND CHANDLER’S APARTMENT. RACHEL, PHOEBE AND CHANDLER ARE HERE. CHANDLER IS SITTING IN HIS CONVERTIBLE SOFA. RACHEL IS LYING ON THE OTHER SOFA WITH A HOT-WATER BOTTLE ON HER STOMACH. PHOEBE IS EATING A PIE.

CHANDLER
So, where’s Joey?

PHOEBE
He said he went to see his agent to give her his final awswer for the Baywatch proposal! He told me what he’d say to her! (SILENCE. SHE EATS HER PIE)

CHANDLER
Sooo?

PHOEBE
I totally forgot what he’d say! (CHANDLER IS BEAT. PHOEBE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING REALLY LOUDLY AND OPENS WIDE HER MOUTH IN WHICH THE VIEWER SEES MASHED PIE AND SALIVA)

RACHEL
(LOOKS AT PHOEBE) Uuurk, Phoebs, seeing Ross doing his experiments at the museum made me throw up once already, so please, eat or laugh with your mouth shut or get away from my sight!

PHOEBE
Ah, ah! You didn’t throw up because of Ross’s experiments! You threw up because you were jealous of the FBI Agent... JEEEEH-lous! (GOES NEAR RACHEL AND OPENS WIDE HER MOUTH)

RACHEL
(PUTS HER HANDS ON HER EYES IN ORDER NOT TO SEE) Phoebs, stop it!

ROSS ENTERS.

ROSS
Hey! (EVERYONE: « Hey, Ross ! ») I hear my sister is having dinner with Agent Mulder tonight?

PHOEBE
Yeah! Isn’t it cool, Monica dating a guy who works with the FBI? Where’s Mulder by the way?

ROSS
He and Scully just went to ask questions to Gunther’s relatives.

CHANDLER
Gunther’s relatives? We’re the only family Gunther’s got.

ROSS
Anyway, this Scully amazes me! I just got proof today that this green substance might very well be of alien origin! It might put back into question everything the world has come to believe so far!

RACHEL
She just made that up to seduce you!

ROSS
Don’t be silly! She’s given up any romantic interests in order to focus on her job. She’s shattering!

RACHEL
« She’s given up any romantic interests » as in « Even if I am sexually attracted to you Dr Geller, between chastity and you I choose chastity »?

ROSS
Oh come on Rach, you know I only have eyes for you... (HE LIES ON THE COUCH ON TOP OF RACHEL TO KISS HER. SMACKER, SMACKER)

CHANDLER
What are you doing? Don’t you see I am irrevocably traumatized enough what with Gunther’s disappearance? Haven’t you got the least sense of decency?

RACHEL AND ROSS GET UP AND HUG CHANDLER.

RACHEL AND ROSS
Oh, we’re sorry.

CHANDLER
(SMILING) I didn’t say I didn’t like watching you make out…

PHOEBE
It’s too bad Agent Mulder’s not here. I still didn’t get the opportunity to tell him about my multiple abductions by aliens.

EVERYONE
What?

PHOEBE
So I never told you?

EVERYONE
No!

PHOEBE
The first time it happened I was still a maggot in my antepenultimate previous life... But I suppose you want to hear what happened to me during Christmas 1973, how Santa Claus dastardly sold me to the red aliens, the Qrrk’ Luhl’ Qrrk so that they perform tests on my bladder! Santa Claus is a bastard!

RACHEL
What happened?

PHOEBE
How should I know? I was just a little girl! (EVERYONE IS BEAT) However I can tell you what they did to me last year.

CHANDLER
Is it about the abduction with the Monopoly game?

PHOEBE
You... Do you always have to spoil everything?

ROSS
Phoebe...

PHOEBE
Alright. It starts like this: I’ve just arrived early at work as usual and my first client is already expecting his first massage. I sneeze, he blows his nose... You know the rest...

RACHEL
We don’t!

PHOEBE
Okay, I happen to spend the night with him... Can you believe it, we did it eight times in a row! Aliens can be in really good shape you know! I wake up during the night and here I am, in this white room!

CHANDLER
Oh I forgot about the white room... What white room?

PHOEBE
The test room in the spaceship, you dork! (CHANDLER MAKES HIS OH-MY-GOD FACE) I remember wearing a red toga with nothing underneath when he...

RACHEL
What? Did he hurt you?

PHOEBE
No! He says: « I know it’s going to sound ridiculous, but... Could you explain to me how to play Monopoly? ». And we played for hours! This alien was so nice! Last thing I remember, I had just woke up in bed in that red toga which didn’t even belong to me!

ROSS
(SARCASTIC) Wow, Phoebs, your abduction really helped science! (CHANDLER, RACHEL AND ROSS LAUGH)

PHOEBE
I know!! Ooh, I gotta go now! I still haven’t had dinner!

RACHEL
Phoebs, why don’t you just have dinner with the three of us at Monica’s?

PHOEBE
Okay!

CHANDLER
Let me put on some decent clothes. I’ll be right over.

THEY LEAVE. KNOCK-KNOCK.

CHANDLER
I’m coming, I’m coming. What did you forget this t...(HE OPENS THE DOOR) Monica? I thought you were out with this Mulder guy.

ALIEN MONICA
He said he’d be late. I... just wanted to make sure you were okay, and if you remembered any other thing related to Gunther’s disappearance...

CHANDLER
(HE TURNS HIS BACK TO MONICA. HE DOES SOME WASHING-UP IN THE KITCHENETTE) Well, that’s really sweet of you but I don’t really want to talk about it again right now...

ALIEN MONICA TAKES A METALLIC STRING OUT OF HER POCKET AND BEGINS TO STRANGLE CHANDLER WITH IT FROM BEHIND.

CHANDLER
(PUTS HIS HANDS TO HIS NECK AND STRUGGLES LIKE THE VERY DEVIL) Uurk... Mon... Wrkk...

ALIEN MONICA
(STILL STRANGLING CHANDLER, TAKES A MAN’S VOICE) You knew too much Mr bing! Now you die!

JOEY AND CHANDLER’S FRONT DOOR IS SUDDENLY DESTROYED LITERALLY. IT IS MULDER AND SCULLY ARMED TO THE TEETH IN THEIR WAR-ZONE FBI COSTUMES; FOLLOWED BY OTHER FBI AGENTS.

MULDER
Don’t move! (HE POINTS A RIFLE AT ALIEN MONICA WHO IS STILL STRANGLING CHANDLER. THEY BOTH STEP BACK TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM) Let him go, now! Or I blow your head off!

SCULLY
(SHE LITERALLY YELLS) YOU HEARD THE MAN, DO WHAT HE SAYS, YOU BITCH !

RACHEL, ROSS AND PHOEBE WHO JUST HEARD SOME NOISE LEAVE MONICA’S APARTMENT AND RUSH UP TO CHANDLER’S.

RACHEL
(MANAGES TO SEE SOMETHING) Oh my God, Monica, what are you doing?

CHANDLER FINDS A BIRO NEAR THE SOFAS AND STICKS IT INTO THE BACK OF ALIEN MONICA’S NECK. SHE IMMEDIATELY FALLS TO THE GROUND. A GREEN TOXIC SUBSTANCE COMES OUT OF HER NECK AND SHE LITERALLY LIQUIFIES. CHANDLER PUTS HIS HANDS TO HIS NECK, STILL CHOKING.

ROSS
(WHO MANAGED TO THREAD HIS WAY THROUGH THE CROWD. HE CRIES) My sister, Monica! She was an alien! Oh my God!

SUDDEN BLACK-OUT AGAIN.

CHANDLER
(STILL CHOKING) Here... We... Go... Again...

FLASH OF LIGHT COMING FROM CHANDLER’S BEDROOM. THE FBI AND THE GANG RUSH TOWARDS IT. THEY ARE ALL BLINDED.
THERE ARE TWO FIGURES IN THE BED. OUT OF THE BLANKETS APPEAR MONICA (THE ONE AND TRUE !) AND GUNTHER’S HEAD. THEY BOTH SEEM NAKED AND APPARENTLY TOTALLY UNAWARE OF WHERE THEY ARE. RACHEL CANNOT BELIEVE HER OWN EYES, NOT EVEN THE OTHERS AS A MATTER OF FACT.

MONICA
Where... Where am I?

GUNTHER
(EMBARRASSED, REALIZES HE IS IN BED WITH MONICA) Rachel, I... I can explain...

POST CREDITS. CUT TO: A RESTAURANT.

CHANDLER
(HE GETS UP) Okay, so I would like to propose a toast. Monica, we’re all glad to realize you’re still... you, and not some half-crazed psychopathic alien shapeshifter whose aspiration in life is strangling innocent people. (EVERYONE LAUGHS) I would also like to congratulate Joey... who’s going to star in the bestest show... EVER! BAY-WATCH!!

EVERYONE APPLAUDS.

JOEY
Well, I can’t lie to you all any longer... I won’t perform in Baywatch.

EVERYONE
What? How? Why?

JOEY
Yeah, after I saw my agent I was on my way to the Baywatch producers’ branch right here in New York. Hasselhoff had come all the way from L.A. to discuss my resumé with him... And this is when I screwed up.

PHOEBE
What happened?

JOEY
Well, Hasselhoff asked me « Mr Tribbiani, can you swim? »; so I said « Of course I can swim! Besides, I’m always in the swim, if you know what I mean... » Then he asked me « Have you ever played love scenes, Joseph? »...

MONICA
And you answered...

JOEY
I said... (MUMBLE, MUMBLE)

ROSS
You said what?

JOEY
I said... I promise I couldn’t help myself... I mean, I took this question as an insult! So I said: « Listen baby, I can teach Donna love scenes, upside down, front and back! » Well, you get the picture...

CHANDLER
(CLOSES HIS EYES) I wish I had your picture when you got your ass kicked out of the room.

EVERYONE
We’re soo sorry, Joey.

JOEY
Nah, it’s alright, I’m sure I’ll get a better opportunity. So, what happened while I was away? Why was Gunther abducted, anyway?

RACHEL
Monica says Phoebe should’ve been abducted.

PHOEBE
I  should have been abducted! (SHE SAYS PROUDLY)

JOEY
Mon, how do you know that? The FBI told you this?

ROSS
Don’t pronounce “FBI” ever again in front of Monica. (HE LAUGHS) Hey, Chandler, how do you explain the fact that you were the only one among us not to be hypnotized when Gunther disappeared? Besides, why did he and Monica come back all of a sudden?

CHANDLER
According to Agent Mulder, “the truth is still out there...”

RACHEL
Monica and Gunther, together in bed, I didn’t see that one coming! (SHE LAUGHS)

JOEY
(TO MONICA) You slept with Gunther?

MONICA
No, it was just... a prank! (TO EVERYONE) I’m sorry, I’m still convinced this whole alien business is a hoax. You really want me to believe I’ve been replaced by an alien shapeshifter who tried to kill Chandler? Puh-lease!

CHANDLER
Sorry, I gotta go to the bathroom. (HE LEAVES WITH A BAG)

JOEY
(TO MONICA) You tried to kill Chandler?

RACHEL
Yeah, long story...

JOEY
What about that green substance?

ROSS
It turned out it was liquified menthol Hollywood chewing-gum, a French brand... File closed! (AS HE IS ABOUT TO DRINK HIS SODA, HE SPILLS IT ON MONICA’S DRESS AS IF HE DID IT ON PURPOSE) Oops!

MONICA
(SHE IS REALLY PISSED) Ross! For Christsake! Can’t you drink properly?

ROSS
Monica, I’m awfully sorry. (AS MONICA LEAVES FOR THE BATHROOM, PHOEBE, ROSS AND RACHEL LAUGH. THEY’VE PLANNED A PRANK ON MONICA)

CUT TO: THE RESTAURANT’S BATHROOM.
MONICA TRIES TO CLEAN HER DRESS WITH WATER. BEHIND A TOILET DOOR, WE CAN HEAR A HUMMING. MONICA PUSHES THE DOOR AND SEES A GREY ALIEN SAT ON THE BOWL.

GREY ALIEN
(WEIRD VOICE) You-are-coming-with-us, puny-human!

MONICA
(SCREAMS A LA SCREAM 1 AND 2) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

SHE RUNS LIKE A MAD WOMAN, ARRIVES AT THE CENTER OF THE RESTAURANT MAIN ROOM.

MONICA
(SHOUTING) THERE’S A GREY ALIEN IN THE LADIES’ROOM! THERE’S A GREY ALIEN IN THE LADIES’ROOM !!

THE GANG AND THE CLIENTS BURST OUT LAUGHING. IN THE LADIES’ROOM, THE GREY ALIEN PUTS OFF HIS MASK AND HIS COSTUME. THE MAN TURNS ROUND: IT IS CHANDLER WHO CANNOT HELP BUT LAUGH !



THE END.

This episode is respectfully dedicated to Chris Carter, Marta Kauffman, David Crane and Kevin Bright.